There are three major male sexual dysfunctions: premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and a much less well-known problem called delayed ejaculation.
Delayed ejaculation is a difficulty that men have reaching the point of orgasm and ejaculation during sexual intercourse. It’s often said that men with delayed ejaculation also have difficulty reaching point of orgasm and ejaculation during masturbation, although in fairness, over the 12 years that I’ve been working with men with this problem, I’ve never met a man yet who failed to ejaculate during in masturbation, even if it took him a long time to get to that point.
No, this is really a dysfunction about sexual intercourse, and it’s a fascinating one, because few of us realize that men can have difficulty ejaculating during sexual relations.
Causes of delayed ejaculation
So why might a man have trouble ejaculating during intercourse, when it’s an evident fact that the majority of the male population have difficulty withholding their ejaculation!
The answer seems to be a combination of factors can be at work, one of which is penis sensitivity (click here) – or, more accurately, reduced penile sensitivity.
You see, for all the kinds of reasons, some young men learn to masturbate using a hard and fast technique which may involve thrusting against the mattress on the bed or using a hard and vice-like grip on the penis. It will not take much of this to produce a penis desensitized to normal levels of stimulation, so that for the rest of his life, unless he intervenes in some way to remedy the situation, the man can only reach orgasm and ejaculate by using a similar level of pressure on his penis.
As you may well imagine, sexual intercourse involving a vagina or even an anus does not produce the same level of intense stimulation as this sort of masturbation!
Hard and fast masturbation is dealt with by retraining the body to respond much less stimulation, of a softer kind. This can be done by asking the man to withhold from masturbation for a period of time, and then use a much softer stroke, together with orgasm triggers which can stimulate him further – that might be nipple or anal stimulation, for example.
However many men fail to complete this treatment because of the sex urge presents them with difficulty in restraining themselves from masturbating.
And yes, this can be challenging, but fortunately more men have delayed ejaculation which is rooted in some kind of interaction with their partner (or perhaps with women in general). This is easier to deal with. Most people assume that therapy of some kind or at least relationship counselling is necessary, but this is not true.
In fact, it’s probably sufficient for a couple to practice sensate focus, which is a way of building intimacy and arousal in a gradual way – this is almost a kind of “fake it till you make it” technique which allows a couple to re-establish intimacy, to work together towards establishing successful sex, and to do it without addressing underlying relationship problems.
It turns out that when you do this, many of those problems are alleviated because the orgasm which is shared during lovemaking actually brings men and women close together in an interesting dynamic: it seems as if orgasm itself, particularly sharing orgasm during intercourse, can alleviate psychological isolation, alleviate physical separation, and bring a couple close together emotionally, physically and indeed spiritually as well.
What this means is that delayed ejaculation can be treated in many different ways depending on the circumstances that arise in a couple.
One way to deal with this problem is to establish exactly what the right treatment method might be for you and your partner – and you can do that if you click here – the link will take you to a site I’ve written on delayed ejaculation, which lists many of the different treatment methods and why they work in certain cases.
What I know to be true from my work over many years is that you don’t have to put up with this difficulty: delayed ejaculation is a problem that can be solved.
Although it may be a perplexing and challenging problem for you at the moment, exploring it in an intelligent and informed way, with high motivation to ejaculate normally during sexual intercourse, can restore you to full sexual function in a comparatively short space of time: maybe two weeks, maybe two months.
I think the message is this: men and women don’t need to experience difficulties within relationships caused by sexual dysfunction.
Even the things which have traditionally been regarded as pernicious and systemic such as low sexual female desire (which is now medicalized as a dysfunction called hypoactive sexual desire disorder) can be solved.
Oddly enough, while we are on the subject of difficulty with orgasm, it turns out one remedy for hypoactive sexual desire disorder is to have more orgasms more frequently. In other words, a kind of “fake it till you make it” behavior works here – one which allows you to experience the objective you’re trying to achieve through sheer persistence and determination. And, once you’ve got to the point of successful orgasm, you can then more easily achieve orgasm again because of positive feedback: the motivation to increase your sexual stimulation and arousal by engaging in lovemaking with your partner actually comes from the reward of orgasm itself!
It’s an elegant and complete circle which should allow you to overcome many difficulties without the help of a professional sexual therapist, although there are plenty of resources available should you decide that’s what you need for advice on this subject.
Finally, I’d add a piece of advice: experimenting with sexual positions can introduce novelty and excitement into your sex life – there’s no doubt that most people’s sex life becomes (to some degree at least) boring after a while.
You can keep sexual relationships fresh, exciting and enlivened, by experimenting with new sexual techniques and positions, including the coital alignment technique (about which you can read a lot more here); indeed this is essential if you wish to keep your relationship rewarding, exciting, fulfilling and satisfying in every way. And, as a man, if you want to share sexual pleasure with your woman in bed, why would you do anything else?